Thursday, February 19, 2009

Me? Who? What? How?

Every now and then, as I'm involved in some seemingly ordinary thing, I suddenly stop and think, "Huh?? When did this become me?" You see, I really still feel like the same me that was just finishing college. The same me that was just getting married while older, longer married couples smiled knowingly at my giddiness and asked to see my ring. I still see me as that early 20's girl just barely starting the "dream" I'd always imagined. Because really, from my very early teens on, I imagined (as most girls likely do) finding my one true love and marrying him . . . maybe having our first tiny baby, but the imagining stopped there. That was the destination.

Naturally I knew there would be more life to follow and sure, if someone asked, I would say that much of it would likely be grand, but it is just that the dreaming and imagining stopped at the point of the newly married me. Maybe I still feel that way because our relationship doesn't seem any different than when we were first married (except likely even better now that we know each other more), or maybe everyone gets stuck in their mind at a certain age and point where they continue to see themselves despite reality. But every now and then, I suddenly see me as someone else, as the me I guess I really am now. It is not unpleasant, in fact it even makes me smile. It is just . . . surprising.

Take today for example. I was standing at the kitchen table, pursing my lips as I labored over getting some scouting patches just right on Abe's new scout shirt. Well, "labored" might have been an exaggeration. Bless the scouts, likely in response to the increasing lack of homemaking skills, they have now made available some sticky material in the shape of the various patches so you can basically press it on the patches and then apply them to the shirt. Never even touching a sewing machine. Still, I was worried about gluing things in just the right spot. Suddenly I had one of those moments. "What?" I thought, "Is this me? Getting a boy's scout uniform ready? What do I know about scouts? What am I doing with a boy in scouts?" I can't quite explain what a strange sensation it is when I suddenly see me far beyond what I'd dreamt up to during my teenage years. It is a weird, sort of nostalgic, melancholy, but also very -- turn the corners of your mouth into a surprisingly happy but unbelieving smile -- kind of feeling.

Most of the time you just go about life living it with out thinking anything is odd, but every now and then, the reality of who or where you are surfaces quite shockingly. I'm sure I'll think the same thing some day when I am sewing my daughter's wedding dress, "Huh? How did I get here? I am only just married myself!" Well, I won't actually ever be sewing a wedding dress. (After all, didn't I just mention the glue on scout patches)! I'll be with her as she tries wedding dresses on. But, my mother DID sew my wedding dress! It was gorgeous with its rhinestones and pearls. And look there I am in it -- just as I still think I am . . . only with a scout and his four siblings surrounding me.

9 comments:

Tia Juana said...

What lovely thoughts put to words. I loved it and have felt these same said things in my soul this week - the same things you have described -as I have labored over that blasted shrug WHICH I DID SEW!!! I wish they made glue on prom dress sleeves. The nice thing, for me though, is that I am always still the youngest, regardless of how old I get, in both Joe's and my extended families. That always makes me feel a little better as the years tack themselves to me even though we just got married yesterday too.

Karen said...

Love the wedding picture! Funny, I always saw two milestones and not much in the middle. I have always dreamed of the young wife and little kids and then the little old couple sitting on a porch swing, holding hands, listening to the crickets chirp, making each other laugh. It's all the variations that catch me off guard. So nice that life brings such delightful suprises.

Beautiful Post.

Krista said...

I loved this post. I could totally relate to it. I keep thinking I'm going to be more mature one day and it just never happens. I feel young, but the mirror reminds me I'm getting older. It sucks. Then having an 18 year old gives away your minimum age (13 + 18 = 31!!!)

jami said...

oh nancy, i just want to copy and paste this post into my journal. i have felt this way SO many times and you expressed it perfectly. there are times when i look around and think "what? a house? someone calling me mom? i'm not old enough for all of this real life stuff!" because i'm stuck ... stuck thinking i'm still that college age or like you, the just married stage. i guess it's still good we feel like that, even though we're "all growed up" :) ...

marzee said...

Ok Nanc - I have officially caught up and read all of your recent posts. Love all of the pics - Daisy is growing into quite the young lady (weird, right? I know - Tab too.) I love that she perks up for the camera. Jesse is so cute - and the pic of him and Goldie is great.

Penny and the haircut - oh - if you could see the back of Eli's head right now you'd laugh at my pathetic interpretation of a haircut. I tried - but dang it - he's a moving target. Really - what was I supposed to do?

Lack of house pics - before I moved to Ridgefield - Jon and I owned a litte fixer upper. The doors were off the hinges for 2 years, waiting to be refinished. They didn't get rehung until we decided to sell the house (then they were instantly refinished - funny how that happens). The house was in such bad shape that I wrte Opra and begged for help. Yes - true story. Unfortunately - I failed to submit an accompanying video to make the submission complete - so was never considered for help (though we were in desperate need - the house was built in the 30's - seriously).

And - the woman you are now - I know, you never imagine the details of future "bliss" - like wrestling your kids in the department store so that they aren't sliding down the aisles on their knees while yelling like crazy people. Then - when you think you're clear of dept. store embarassment escape - what happens? Your crazy four year old runs (literally) into your HS english teacher that you haven't seen in ten years. "Oh Marzee, I see you have kids now." Yeah - that would be me - with the crazy children running amuck.

Oh happy day! (Love your posts!)

Ryan, Melissa and Addy said...

What an amazing writer you are! Normally I would see a post that long on someone's blog and not read it (rude, I know) but I so enjoy reading what you write. It is strange to feel like you were just married yesterday and then realize that just like that you're already a mom. It's amazing how quickly time goes once you get older. I was telling Jocelyn just the other day how weird it is that our cousin Pyper is already graduated from college, because in my head she is still 12 years old! I now understand why when we're kids adults are always coming up and saying, "Last time I saw you, you were this big." It really is true! Also, I'm glad to see that someone else lacks in the sewing skills. Not my cup of tea! Okay, I'm done!

Mugsy said...

O I just wish I was having that moment right now. Sadly the thought of doing one thing for my children makes me want to cry...I know its just because Josh isn't home and surgery keeps getting more complicated as stale and mundane as it is I am just a little blue.
But I do recall funny enough having that very same realization putting Connor's scout shirt together. And smiling happliy to myself. Sadly i didn't notice the stick stuff until I had sewn on two patches....
Life is good and so much more interesting with time. How funny at a young age where our minds decide the "destination" as you put it so well, is. All you said so true....

Liz said...

I too think of myself as 21 or 22, which is when I had Meg. Then I look at the girls this age in my ward and come to realize that they must think I am so old with all of my children. Meg will be ten soon! How is that possible? I have a ten year old? But, how nice that our lives have gone as well as they have. Somethings were never imagined or even wanted but we are who we are and I am happy with myself as I am sure you are.

Nancy said...

OH Marzers, that is above and beyond the call of duty. You are too good. Never worry about cathing up on posts when you've been busy. I will always let you know of any major news in our life!!

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