November 18, 2013. Three years ago, on this very day, I took a pregnancy test and discovered I was expecting our little Summer. (Recorded in this blog post.)
It felt like such a tremendous thing -- enormous and happy and big. But I had no idea just how big. No idea that it was the beginning of creating not just one little body, but a quick succession of three. I had no idea that by November 18, 2016 I would have not only completed that pregnancy but nearly two others. Even if I'd suspected our plans would change and we'd decide she wasn't our last -- how could I have ever guessed that three this quickly was a possibility? How could I have known the wild years of tears and prayers and unexpected answers and changed plans and marvelous new HUMAN BEINGS that were ahead for me?
It's always a funny feeling being able to look back on past versions of myself and shake my head at what that old me didn't know. It's hard not to feel a bit smugly superior to poor, unknowing, past me. "Oh just you wait!" I want to laugh to that old self. "You haven't the slightest idea what's really ahead!" Of course, present me is rather quickly humbled when she considers that, very likely, a future version of myself will look back at the current me and think the exact same thing. "Just you wait," I know she'll want to say. "You have no idea what is really ahead!"
It's both frightening and . . . pretty exciting. Exciting because, while I know lots of it will be exhausting, hard, and full of sorrow. I also know that it will all be for my good; that much of it will be full of unbelievable happiness and unexpected joys, and that all of it will be better, in the end, than whatever little courses I might have plotted for myself. And it's exciting because, while it is unknown to me, I feel that I did know it once. That I prepared for it and accepted it. Eagerly. And I trust that not one bit of it is unknown to my Heavenly Father. "Just you wait." I can almost hear him saying. And, when it's Him saying it, I feel perfectly ready to plunge headlong into it all.