November 18, 2013. Three years ago, on this very day, I took a pregnancy test and discovered I was expecting our little Summer. (Recorded in this blog post.)
It felt like such a tremendous thing -- enormous and happy and big. But I had no idea just how big. No idea that it was the beginning of creating not just one little body, but a quick succession of three. I had no idea that by November 18, 2016 I would have not only completed that pregnancy but nearly two others. Even if I'd suspected our plans would change and we'd decide she wasn't our last -- how could I have ever guessed that three this quickly was a possibility? How could I have known the wild years of tears and prayers and unexpected answers and changed plans and marvelous new HUMAN BEINGS that were ahead for me?
It's always a funny feeling being able to look back on past versions of myself and shake my head at what that old me didn't know. It's hard not to feel a bit smugly superior to poor, unknowing, past me. "Oh just you wait!" I want to laugh to that old self. "You haven't the slightest idea what's really ahead!" Of course, present me is rather quickly humbled when she considers that, very likely, a future version of myself will look back at the current me and think the exact same thing. "Just you wait," I know she'll want to say. "You have no idea what is really ahead!"
It's both frightening and . . . pretty exciting. Exciting because, while I know lots of it will be exhausting, hard, and full of sorrow. I also know that it will all be for my good; that much of it will be full of unbelievable happiness and unexpected joys, and that all of it will be better, in the end, than whatever little courses I might have plotted for myself. And it's exciting because, while it is unknown to me, I feel that I did know it once. That I prepared for it and accepted it. Eagerly. And I trust that not one bit of it is unknown to my Heavenly Father. "Just you wait." I can almost hear him saying. And, when it's Him saying it, I feel perfectly ready to plunge headlong into it all.
6 comments:
Yep. In my own way I feel the similarly. Sometimes the future is something I don't want to experience because I'm still traumatized by other things and know that there will be more things in that future along with more trauma 😳 But then some kid smiles at me or gives me hug in such a simple genuine way and its all okay. But just in that particular moment-lol!
Oh man. Yes! I can't believe how much has happened since then! And it's so strange how, still, day to day I feel like, "nothing ever changes. Nothing ever happens. I'll never NOT feel how I feel right now." It is kind of terrifying to realize how untrue that is, and how, as you said, someday I will look back and SEE the growth and change. I love the faith in your perspective, though--that God's "just you wait" isn't a chortling over our ignorance or a sinister warning---but instead, full of promise. "Eye hath not seen, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him."
Dear Nancy, it's been almost a month since you last blogged. I hope you and your family are well and happy in your corner of the world!? Take care! Val
Val! You're so sweet for thinking to check in. Yes, all is well here! I feel like I often blog/write in my head, but then don't find the time to actually do it before the thoughts have moved on! I don't know if it's been the holiday season or end-of-pregnancy tiredness or just a combination of random things, but lately I feel I rarely have the time to accomplish anything I mean too! But recording things is important to me so I have no doubt I'll be doing so again soon. And we are all healthy and good. Still five weeks til this baby is due. In the mean time just birthdays and Christmas things going on!
And you? Are you all well? Is Christmas such a big and busy holiday season in France as it is here?
Hi Nancy! So glad to hear everything is fine!! :) Honestly, I don't know how you find time to juggle with all the things you have to do! Pregnancy, babies, teens, home, such a sweet package, and plenty to be busy all night and day! Can't wait to see/hear about this sweetie pie that must be growing so fast now! Well, Xmas holidays are very big in France too. For my kids, it's the climax of the year. For many reasons, it's their most emotional moment, and there is so much to do. Anyhoo, take good care of yourself!
Yes, Val! I think Christmas is the climax of the year for my kids as well. Good way to put it. That means, of course, lots of opportunity for fun and tradition and memories, but also plenty of things being rushed and a little more wild than usual! Hope all of it goes beautifully for your little family!
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