Monday, February 9, 2009

Homesick

I am so homesick for WA. That seems odd – that it would hit now rather than 5 ½ months ago when I actually left my WA life. But maybe not. The entire time we stayed at my parent's home we weren't thinking, “This is our new life,” we were searching and waiting for where our new life would begin. I think that until that new life started, I didn't really realize I'd left my old one behind. Now that we are in our new home, our new ward, our kid's new school, and our new neighborhood, I suddenly keep thinking of WA where I once had all those things so happily established.

My new home is fancier and bigger, but as I unpack and try to decide where things should go, I keep remembering their place in my last home. I miss my plain but clean and open little home. I miss the yard we had finally finished with its garden boxes and hole left in the fence so Abe's two backyard neighbor pals could come through. I miss the familiarity I had with my neighbors – the pausing to discuss simple goings on with them, the calls to borrow ingredients, etc. I miss my friends and having people close by who I was comfortable calling when I needed someone to watch a kid or two while I ran an errand or went to an appointment, and I miss their kids – my kid's friends. I miss my ward – the people I served with in my calling, the beautiful and fun Young Women who I got to know so well through countless meetings, activities and Sundays. I miss the familiar faces and the distinct personalities that were the backdrop of my daily life. I miss the roads I ran on and even feel a little pain in my stomach when I think of the familiar roads I drove and places I went. I miss my kid's school and the way they did certain things. I miss the parks and farm lands that were all around us. I miss the book group I went to that was made up of women who, for the most part, were old enough to be my mothers or even grandmothers but who were ready laughers and who truly enjoyed having me there. I miss planning vacations to the ocean.

Last weekend, I had just left a luncheon honoring my mother for a reward she'd received, when I got a message on my cell phone. Our backyard neighbors from WA were here on business and thought they might have just driven by our very house. These were the neighbors whose boys we left the hole in the fence for and whose daughters often babysat my kids. When I called them back, indeed, they had driven by our house (crazy, I'd only told them the city we were in – by total chance they had driven by and recognized our cars) and were now inside talking to Mike! I drove home hardly able to contain my excitement. I tensed up at every red light and had to watch my speed very consciously to avoid flying 100 mph. I was just so so desperate to actually have a few minutes with a little piece of my left behind life.

I know, I know, there is adventure ahead, and I am excited about it (though I worry a little that it was the fact that I had no family up there that forced me a little more quickly to establish those relationships I am craving. I also worry that I am more limited in who I will meet here based on ward boundaries. When our ward took in our whole city and its surrounding areas, there were a lot of people I got to know who I would have never met had the ward cut them out a mile away from me). Still, even with adventure to come, there is just a definite sadness and maybe an almost poetic loneliness about something ending that you can never have back. It is somewhat like your little ones growing up – new stages are exciting, but you can't ever switch them back to the tiny infant or the just learning to talk toddler. Once it is gone, it is gone. I can't ever live in that house again, chat as casually with the same people again, even drive the round-about or the back roads to our church. Even if I visited, it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be my world anymore. And it is strange to me to think of those people and places still going on normally with out me as a part of them. That life is still there, but it is gone for me, and I feel very lonely for it as I embark on what will become my new life and my new comfortable.

14 comments:

Tia Juana said...

This just leaves me with a little tear in my eye. I know exactly what you mean. Well, I know exactly what I felt and it seems very much like what you are describing. I could give you a big pep talk and tell you all the good things you already know about life and gaining experience from change and all that jazz but instead I will tell you what I often tell my mother: I don't want to hear the church answer for why I shouldn't feel the way I feel. I just want someone to say "This sucks. I'm sorry you feel this way and that it has you down in the dumps." So, Nancy, It really sucks and I'm sorry that you are missing your friends and your familiar. It is hard. I cry for you. It is VERY hard.

Melissa, Ryan and Addy said...

It really is so hard to move to a new place and leave all the old, familiar things behind. I had a really hard time moving from Henderson to San Diego. I know most people would die to live in San Diego, but it was a difficult transition for me. I left behind the nice things you were mentioning in your post and also my family and on top of that I was pregnant! YIKES! I have just within the past few months adjusted to living here and really started to enjoy it. I have decided it usually takes me about a year to make good friends, feel comfortable in a new ward, etc. I hope that things get better for you and you don't feel so homesick anymore.

Mugsy said...

The crazy thing is I totally know what you are feeling. I have that for every little place we lived away. And I miss it all so much. I am sure yours in more intense since the time you spent there in one place was longer. But I feel for you. I think like missing the stages in your childs life like you mentioned. You had so many memories alone with your little family. I beleive that is why "they" say its good for your family to move away. At least for a time. I now know that I could be happy anywhere as long as I have Josh and my littles around.

BS and the Kids said...

OH, it is so stuff. I feel for you. I have brought each one of my kids home to a different house, and have left memories behind in each of those, but just think of the adventures that lie ahead!!!

Krista said...

Change is hard and even if you stayed in the same place....change will still happen. You do need to mourn a part of you that is gone. I was sad the last time I nursed my baby, because I knew that was the end of that part of my life. We moved from Australia and one of us will always be away from our family. I think the way to get through it is to ensure that every change makes your life better and better.

Tash said...

love your slide show
whoa that is a trip that they found you now that isn't synchronicity or anything. yeah I can see how your life would have been put on hold and it wouldn't have hit till now. I had sort of a freakout after building our house and moving in and then realizing life was the same and I was the same even though I had built it up in my head to be perfect bliss to be in a new house and then I was just the same old me. Maybe when reality is lighter than our heavy expectations things just don't measure up and then we respond with disappointment. Anyway it is sad that you had to go and get all rooted and then get pulled up, but luckily HF is in charge!

jami said...

oh nancy. i know JUST how you feel! it's funny how we look forward to things that are coming but can't help miss the things we left behind. i remember when i left on my mission, a family friend who had also served in portugal told me that i would come to know what the word "saudades" means. he said it's like missing something or to have a strong longing for it. he told me there was no direct translation for it in english, but when i came home i would know exactly what it meant. i think your post describes that word perfectly-that heart-achy longing for something familiar and something (and someones) you love so much. i truly felt that meaning leaving portugal, and even again when we moved out here from utah (and missing my backyard and next door neighbors so very much!!)... and i felt it reading your post. i hope your new adjustment is easier ... and looking back i'm sure you'll have saudades of this time too -- but i always think that's the hardest to remember. xoxoxoxox

Tash said...

Nacho
I hate tags btw but I always feel guilty if I don't do them. Especially dumb ones like this. Soif you don't do it I will wish I were you, but if you want to feel free.

marzee said...

Ohhoho - Love you - miss you too. And yes - life does go on for those left behind - or going somewhere else (you dare to have a life without me!?) Get ya. And - I love your voice. I think Beverly would be dull compared to my Nancypants.

Karen said...

Oh Nancy....you so eloquently put the feelings I have everytime we move. There are times now that I close my eyes and see the streets of the other places I have lived and loved. Or hear the voices in my head of the people that became my family in the many places we have called home.
I should not give advice since it takes me a long time to adjust anywhere I move. That said, take the time to mourn, then throw yourself into your new life. People here will love you. There is no question about that. And if you ever need to borrow eggs or whatever, really, I am just down the road.
Hugs and Smiles to you.

Perla said...

like jamie, i felt these same feelings most poignantly when leaving my mission. i was so excited to be going home and starting my next adventure, but i was also completely heartsick for all the people and things that i was leaving behind--even the fact that i knew certain neighborhoods like the back of my hand (which i'm noticing has really thin skin and looks kind of wrinkly lately, creepy) and felt proud to be so part of something that had once been so foreign and now its all gone and can never be had again except every once in awhile in a dream or something. but life is good. i think it is just fine to mourn over lost loves like that. it shows our gratitude for what we had. good thing you got good things in your future, too.

by the way, why is it that the minute you get internet, i lose it? my computer is unavailable to me at this time due to our basement projects and i won't have it for a couple of weeks. but i am sneaking a late night looksy at google reader on jas's work laptop.

Amy said...

I don't really care that your so sad and lonely missing your old world far away, because for Pete Sakes! You got your SISTAS near by. Now shouldn't that just make up for everything!!?? Okay, I really do care, I still miss my CA beach and strawberry fields.

Bradshaw said...

Nancy!! We miss you too, can't wait to do a drive by when we are in the neighborhood.
Susan

Nancy said...

Thanks Susan!! If you guys ever are this way you truly better stop and visit!!

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