Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Anderkins

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Poor little soul.

Sometimes you are happy though . . . or, at least, not wholly unhappy:

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He has given me probably three real smiles now. The first one was about a week ago and I think I actually burst out crying. It wasn’t little – a slight or half smile – it was a full, wide, huge smile. It transformed his whole face and lit up his tiny eyes and it just felt . . . like such a well earned and much needed reward. He isn’t colicky by any means, I can calm him, it just takes kind of a lot of effort to keep the little soul calm. Sometimes I look at my little man and think that he just hadn’t quite reckoned on life being so hard. There he was, in the pre-existence, waiting anxiously: so eager and excited to come. He knew it would be hard. He’d been taught how hard it would be, but . . . it is tricky to really imagine properly what “hard” will actually feel like. Kind of like when I run a marathon. I know it will be exhausting and painful, but I want to do it, and I don’t really believe it will be that difficult ‘til I am running those last miles and realizing that my mind couldn’t fully comprehend, beforehand, how bad it could truly feel.

That’s what I think when I look at Anders with his little chin quivering sadly: “You poor little soul, you knew it would be hard, you’d prepared as best you could, but you were so excited to come, and now, here you are, and the reality of ‘hard’ is a bit surprising. Your stomach hurts all the time, and you have thrush, and you’re hungry, or cold, or hot, and people keep buckling you in car seats (which you seem to think is quite awful); and you just didn’t bank on how it would really be – this coming to earth and having a body business. But don’t worry. It’s hard for me too. I understand. We’ll make it through this together. And it won’t always be hard. There’ll be lots and lots of times like the time when you first smiled at me. Times like that, when being here will make perfectly wonderful sense, when being here will seem like a very happy easy and grand place to be!”

I do love the little one. And look at this picture Daisy took (totally edit free):

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She also took those two of me on my bed with Anders that I posted a few weeks ago. I have to set the settings for her, but I like that she is getting how to focus where I want her to – so the right things are clear and the right things are blurry, the subjects stay bright, etc. Mostly I am too nervous to let my camera be in my kids’ hands, but perhaps I shall train her up (then I can continue to appear in the occasional family photos).

6 comments:

jami said...

well, as hard as it is for him, he is the MOST adorable thing i have ever seen! he's seriously so cute!

and i love the pictures - and the one daisy took is amazing. she's got her mom's talent. :)

The Harbertson Family said...

I really should work on training my kids just a little to use my camera too! I think that when they are grown and looking back at their scrapbooks or our blog wondering if they even had a mother!
Your baby is a-dor-a-bul!
Miss ya guys!
Jenn

Jill said...

Anders looks exactly like your dad to me- especially in the bottom picture. I only know him from pictures (actually both of them) but the resemblance seems pretty strong. Love that about families.

Oysterblogger said...

your pictures have gotten so great and so have Daisy's. She is a better photographer than me because I have to edit everything cuz I am an artist not a technician like you!

Perla said...

what good wise and kind words to your little baby. so sweet. so full of love and compassion, even when its really hard. i love you. and the photos. girls in scarves are magical.

Nancy said...

jill, that's kind of fun to hear. I only ever hear how my kids look exactly like Mike and his side so it is fun to think anyone might ever see some of my own tiny line in there!

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