These two little ones of mine get rushed around quite a bit -- taking kids to school, picking kids up from school, taking kids to lessons or friends' houses, running errands. And, when they aren't being rushed around, I have come to realize that I am still usually rushing around. Maybe bustling? I think I'm a bustling kind of person. Mike is always telling me to just come sit and relax. But, in truth, I do relax -- probably more than most of you are lucky enough to, but it is in its place . . . and it occurs because I spend the rest of my time BUSTLING. I try to keep constantly on top of every single thing -- make the most of every moment -- so that once kids are to bed (or even to naps), I can have a few moments of quiet and refocus time, and I generally do get those moments each day -- and with five small kids, I must tell you that I think it is a huge blessing. Keeping "my time" in it's place is a very positive thing usually -- I don't have to feel guilty about all the other things I should be doing, and I don't have to constantly be searching for those few moments. No wait, who am I kidding? There are always 8 million things that I know I should be doing, but, you know what I mean. Or maybe you don't, but what I was going to say was that sometimes it is a less positive system (functional though it may be) because I am realizing I am not always "still" enough for my kids.
It has struck me most lately because Jesse, who is such a wild little busy body himself, literally runs to climb up and "snuggle" me if I am ever suddenly just sitting on the couch or lounging on our bed for a minute. I love it even though his "snuggling" isn't as snuggly as one might wish -- a lot of it is rearranging himself and kicking me in the process and then getting interested in something and climbing over me to get it and then kicking me some more as he rearranges himself around me. The other day he was doing this when I got up for a second to throw something away. He immediately yelled, "MOM!" and then, somewhat demandingly and somewhat imploringly, "Snuggle! Snuggle!" So back I came to snuggle. I was laughing about it -- that this rough and tumble boy -- so contrary to his nature -- runs to be close to me whenever I am still for a minute, and Mike commented, "I think he just likes to know you aren't going to go anywhere." And by that he didn't mean "leave the house" -- Jesse does get to be with me all day long. He just meant that Jesse likes to take advantage of finding a moment where I am not washing dishes, or sweeping, or changing laundry, or getting the kids going, etc. He likes me just right there -- available -- with no other agenda than that of being his mom.
Yesterday I was driving somewhere with just the three youngest kids. All the same, it was fairly loud -- everyone clamoring for attention. Suddenly Jesse yelled, "Mom! Mom! HEAR ME!" Poor kid. As I snuggled him on one of our big Love Sacs today, I thought about these cute little things and realized I might have to learn to let some things go undone -- learn to let the lines between my "productive mode" and my "it's OK to relax now mode" blur a little more in order to be more present and less bustling-my-way-through the constantly changing lives of these tiny little people of mine. That is hard for me, but I am going to try to do better -- to find a better balance. I do sure love these kids of mine.