Friday, December 26, 2008

powerful little newborns

I've never been "baby hungry." Most of my sisters nearly pass out at the thought of a newborn they love them so, but I tend to be a little wary of newborns. Sure I adore my little babies and love them so much that my mind keeps uttering little prayers of thanks each time I look at them, but generally, when I don't have a baby, I am not thinking how I want one. I am thinking, "Tired. No schedule. No routine. Unpredictable. So much work to be done . . ."

So, that is why I am always so amazed by the overwhelming feelings I have when I do truly have my own little newborns in my arms. What is it about these tiny babies? The emotions are definitely conflicting. Maybe that is part of the reason they are so very strong? The huge sways between feeling overwhelmed with responsibility and stress verses being overwhelmed with love and the feeling of being needed. The old, "There must needs be opposition in all things"? It is a bit roller coastery, and yes, if nothing else, the emotions are strong. Stronger than almost anything else I can imagine at the moment.

I literally spend most of the day holding or nursing Jesse, so why is it that I am almost miserable if he is out of my arms for any length of time? Last night he slept for about eight hours. Wonderful . . . only I woke every other hour missing him and wanting almost achingly for him to wake up so I could pull him from that painful distance of about two feet away in his cradle right next to me in bed where I could smell and snuggle him and kiss his soft tiny face. Is it because he spent nine long months growing inside of me and now my mind and body are reacting to this very large separation in our physical closeness? Maybe, but that can't be all of it. When I first saw my sister's Haitian son cradled in her arms I felt that same wonder and desire to have him close to me. The amazement over something I had created replaced by the amazement that somehow -- from impossibly far away -- this little one had been created and found his way to our family -- for all eternity. Just as impossible of a miracle. Is it because they are healing? Comforting? My sister Kathy took Jesse away from me at our recent family party and when I tried to reclaim him told me to leave her alone because she "needed" him. My sister Shannon will stop by my parents and before removing her coat or setting down her purse begin asking where my baby is. Why? Why does simply holding these tiny helpless little beings do so much good to our hearts? I don't know. It is all too powerful and too hard to explain. Maybe it is simply that they are still so so fresh from somewhere so holy. Maybe the longing I have to hold and be close to my tiny Jesse isn't much different than the homesickness we would feel if we could remember our heavenly home. How does that go . . . trailing clouds from heaven? Trailing stardust? When I took Jesse for his two week check up to my brother John (world's best pediatrician), he was going over some of the things they like to look for at this stage. He jokingly added in, "and of course, he should be spending a good deal of time looking over your shoulder at angels." We always say that they are looking at angels when those tiny gray eyes seem intent on something that none of the rest of us can see. Who knows. Maybe they are. These tiny ones have been waiting for millenia for their turn here, and then, here they are -- at last. I wonder sometimes how quickly the veil shuts over their eyes. They certainly seem to me to be quite a holy thing and it makes me feel such ridiculously strong emotions and such swellings of gratitude to be trusted with another one of these precious and amazingly strong "last days" little spirits. Oh Jesse, I love you!

video

11 comments:

Tia Juana said...

Oh so what a lovely and well worded post on something so sweet and wonderful as a baby! Seriously, you start talking baby and I start to hunger which IS SO NOT LIKE ME! And it did my spastic mind good to read - put me at ease because .... well, did you get my private email that was all a flutter with me crazy mad and creeped by both the daughter and the stalker! So thank you for your lovely post that will now settle my heart to sleep and dream well.

Kelly said...

Nancy, I do believe that you are right when you say that the strong emotion comes from our longing for Heaven, that these special spirits just arrived from Heaven punctuates our longing. Sweet boy that Jesse.

Liz said...

How sweet little Jesse is. That newborn stage is such a trying time, but it is this time when they are so tiny that we usually miss when they are 3 or 4 months and just don't have that newborn look any more and maybe some of that new spirit feeling has left. They do seem like they are full of information of what was before, if only they would tell us what they have experienced.

Perla said...

what beautiful commentary and thoughts. i don't think that i have anything to add because my sentiments echo your own. i thought it was funny when you and mike thought i looked panicked when i walked in the other day and i truly did feel that, like just this overwhelming draw and need to be near him. i sure don't understand it all but i love it and it makes me feel so much more grateful for the gospel and the plan of salvation.

Perla said...

i was about to post something about energy and the spirit world and the tug that we feel drawn to but it didn't really make sense. sometimes when i try to write things down it helps me understand better, but this i can't verbalize. so, sorry for this ramble.

Mugsy said...

O so I am just so filled with all of everything. You describe it so well. I am sitting here in the dark just crying softly so as not to wake any sleeping loves in the house. I wish you would have said and my sister Megan asks to keep him forever when she is with him. Or maybe she gets all fired up when you have to "feed" him all the time.
I love that picture so much by the by.

marzee said...

What a neat entry Nanc. I love how you open yourself up to us all, so willingly - sharing the things that are most precious to you. I think that's why people are so drawn to you and this site. I love you and am so happy for you. (sigh) - what a blessing . . . that little baby.

jami said...

so very true -- you say it so well. there is something so special about those new little ones and i can't help but think how amazing the whole thing is - let alone where they are from. :)

Krista said...

You know posting that video made everyone's uterus ache for a baby! Lucky I don't have one (a uterus, that is.) They are born so cute because if they weren't, you would smother them!!! Who else would you tolerate waking you up several times a night? He is beautiful and I really enjoyed your "thoughts." On a serious note, I think we cherish and love newborns so much because we know that they grow up so fast and the newborn thing we love turns into a person who loves you back and doesn't think of you as just the food supply. I don't think I realized that with my first baby. Next thing you know they turn 18 and you want them to move out - just kidding, kinda! Keep loving and cherishing that little bundle from Heaven!

Kelly said...

Hey didn't you just have a birthday or something? Happy Birthday!

Nancy said...

Why yes! Thank you for remembering my gefarliche wege Kell!

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