The problem with a first dictionary is that it has words like "apple," and "dirt." And it may not surprise you to hear that by the time your child is old enough to read, they generally already know what an apple is.
In my defense, I bought it with out having first flipped through it (though, I suppose the cover is rather telling). I also bought it before my first child had yet learned much of anything. I purchased it in glorious anticipation of the day when he would flip through its pages to satisfy his curious little mind.
How was I to know that it would only be a disappointment if, at age five or six, my son would need to ask, "Mother dear, what on earth is a flower?" And then what? Rather than taking him outside to show him one -- to cure his ignorant state by giving him firsthand knowledge, I would say, "What planet are you from kid? Go look it up in your dictionary why don't you?"
I have almost been just as duped into buying those DVD's you see advertised that have your 14 month old reading Charlotte's Web out loud to you with out so much as a single mispronounced word. It is every mother's dream -- not only do you get to let your child sit there staring at the TV all day long, but they learn to read on a 4th grade level in the process.
I haven't actually given up on those . . . if any of you have purchased them and can verify the truth of their hefty promises, please let me know.
On another, and completely unrelated note: My favorite ice cream no longer exists. My other favorite ice cream, that is. My first favorite was Snelgrove's Rocky Road. They drifted off the planet because "the rising generation did not identify with the brand from their parents' generation." (That may not have been the exact wording -- Mike is always telling me I'm not allowed to use quotation marks all willy nilly -- that I must be sure I am truly quoting. Of course I say, "Bah" to that, but I figured I would take a moment here to clear myself of any and all future quotation mark abuse).
Anyway, all that was left for me to love was Dreyer's Sherbet Swiss Orange, so, when recent circumstances were such that I couldn't find my Swiss Orange anywhere for several weeks, I decided I would be the victim of circumstance no longer. I took the bull by the horns so to speak and actually emailed my plea for help to Dreyer's headquarters (or at least to a Dreyer's customer service representative). After a day or two of anxious waiting and nail biting, I received my reply. They had discontinued the product based on low national sales. The customer service representative expressed her understanding of how frustrating it can be to "search for, but fail to find, your favorite dessert treats," (those quote marks are entirely legit) and tried to give me hope (false hope I am sure) that if enough inquiries are made in regards to the product it might possibly be "reinstated" at a later date. Bah! What's wrong with the people in this country? (I say that because the only alternative question would be "what's wrong with me?" and heaven forbid. Heaven forbid, I say). I must be upset though. I had been having visions of Dreyers showing up at my door, apologizing fiercely for any strain the temporary unavailability might have caused me, with several cases of the stuff. I must be searching for a way to fill the void because today I bought a Razzleberry Pie at the store. Whaaat? I know. I know.
Anywho, if time were permitting, I would now tell you about how I bought some scrambled egg microwaveable patties the other day (totally against both my will AND my better judgement) because I was pressured to do so by a kind elderly lady at the grocery store, but there is no time for that. The time it has taken me to accomplish what has been typed thus far has been at the high cost of having every cupboard in my house ransacked by Jesse. Constant vigilance. Farewell.