COVID-19

All the world has, in one brief moment, gone completely topsy turvy.

Only two weeks (and two days) ago we were gathered at church with our large ward congregation. There was no inkling, at least for me, that anything much would change. True, when I’d gone to the grocery store the day before, I’d seen that the rumors about toilet paper being sold out were true; but I still didn’t expect any major shift in life.

My kids headed off to school that Monday (as usual). I went to the store for a few things on both Monday and Wednesday (crowds were normal and, other than toilet paper, the shelves were stocked). I signed permission slips for upcoming field trips. And worked away on the Sunday School lesson I was scheduled to teach the following week.

But something flipped that Thursday. Announcements were made (no guests at our upcoming April conference, church for our congregations world-wild cancelled, news reports of more cases of COVID-19, and smaller group gatherings suggested) and, quite suddenly, everything went completely wild!

The media went into a frenzy (everything was Coronavirus). Even driving past our two local grocery stores on Thursday and Friday (only four days since life had seemed wholly normal) made me feel stressed! The parking lots were completely full, and friends were posting pictures of lines stretching to the back of stores. I could actually feel the panic and fear in the air, and I did not like it! It made things seem too out-of-control. And I admit that, for those first few days, I had moments each day where fear began to clutch at my heart.

Were people going to remain in this stage of paranoia and rid the shelves of food for months to come? Was this the start of a future destined to be filled with more such pandemics — some much more terrifying? Would my family face deprivations of other types in the years ahead? How hard would the road ahead be?

And I felt guilty too! Sure we had food storage, but not nearly as much as we should have! Why hadn’t I thought to store away more things? Why wasn’t I 100% prepared? I was an irresponsible parent!

Anyway, immune though I wish I’d been, the unknowns of the future did trouble me.

But then Penny and I ran to grab a few items at the store that Saturday — and it didn’t feel so apocalyptic as I’d feared it might. And we had church in our own little home on Sunday. It was peaceful and happy. (And I taught my kids the lesson I’d prepared for my Sunday School class all about the importance of not looking “beyond the mark” of Christ.) Mike reassured me (as he always can), and I talked with friends and family, and prayed my fears out, and slowly I began gathering my scattered self back to a solid place. (Though waking, a few days later, to an earthquake amidst all this global chaos was a bit alarming!)

But! I already know that, while the future is unknown to me, it’s not to God. He is never caught by surprise. He never thinks, “Shoot. I didn’t see that coming!” He isn’t at the mercy of disasters — in the earth or in our own lives — rather He works through them. And I’ve felt, in place of fear, a renewed ... I don’t know, excitement almost! Don’t misunderstand. I’m sorrowing and anxious over our current situation. The jobs lost and businesses impacted. The overrun hospitals and fearful people. It’s just I feel a determination and eagerness to continue taking on my life — whatever craziness or impossibilities or hardships it might bring. I believe I was prepared for them. That I knew and accepted them. These are the times I came here to live! It’s a little frightening having the responsibility for so many little people on my shoulders. But I believe this for them as well. And, more than that, I know we didn’t come simply to endure these hard things, but to be changed by them! To have doors open through these things that couldn’t have otherwise! Situations that will let us grow and connect and help in ways that would have been impossible through a life of predictability and ease.

I hear often about how faith and fear can’t co-exist. And sometimes that makes me feel like a failure as if ... in experiencing fear and uncertainty I am somehow unfaithful or failing. But I’ve seen it differently lately. I’ve been thinking of Mormon 9:23 where Moroni says:

... Doubt not, but be believing, and begin as in times of old, and come unto the Lord with all your heart, and work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before him.

I used to always imagine some type of fearful cowering in fear OF God when I read that. But lately it feels different when I read it. It feels like it is saying, “Part of your mortal condition is to work things out with a bit of fear and trembling. But just keep coming to me with all of your heart. Keep working out your life and working through your fears before and with me and you’ll recognize more and more that I am guiding you and aware of you.”

And now, when I think of faith and fear not co-existing, I think of it, not as a reprimand for feeling troubled, but as a hopeful promise — as if He is saying, “Look, turn to me! I know you don’t see the steps ahead! I know you are afraid and feel incapable and worried over what hardships you might yet endure, but I see all the steps! I see and know where you will be in them, and I can slowly replace your fear with faith. I can begin filling you with hope and peace. It won't matter that you might have hard things to pass through. I can help you, over and over, to not fear them!”

That’s exactly what I’ve seen happen in myself these last two weeks. I have. I’ve seen my fear replaced with certainty of who I am and what I came here to do. The peace hasn't felt like, "don't worry, you won't have problems". That's not the peace He gives. Because that wouldn't be true. The peace is … that it's OK that I will; that I will never be alone and can face the future confidently. 

Anyway, as for the actual, daily circumstances around here:

All of my kids are on their second week out of school. In truth I will be surprised if they return this year. I’m guessing they won’t. Though I suppose anything could happen. And I hope they might. Daisy would love to still have her graduation and yearbook signings and so on! Right now the kids’ assignments are all detailed by their teachers online (though some are things we do on paper, etc.). I probably cried in frustration at least once each of the first three days as I tried to help multiple kids with school all while Mette, Hans and Starling cried for attention; and the house, that I usually tidy up after kids leave for school in the morning, fell into mess. And there are no longer any moments at all of semi quiet for prayer, study and reflection.

But! There are good things too! We can sleep in a bit! (Some of my kids leave before 7 a.m. for school.) Our morning scriptures and prayers are less rushed (and all together instead of done over and over with each departing group). I can actually sneak off for a run if I put my mind to it (as older kids are around to keep an eye on their siblings). And … I have so many kids that nobody is ever lonely — they all have friends (and occasional enemies) they live with. We’ve played games and gone on walks and baked. And it’s kind of nice being all together and not having somebody always off at track or piano or work.

Plus, we bought two baby pygmy goats! They really are the cutest things imaginable. Only nine days old today! We bottle feed them and they sleep snuggled together in a straw-filled crate in our kitchen at night, then romp about outside … and steal Shasta the cat's cat house and heated pad during the day. Eventually we will build a pen on Mike’s parents’ Logan land so they can keep weeds down up there. But for now, they are a happy distraction for everyone around here! Have you watched little goats run? There is nothing funnier or better. 

Life is good. And even though I was limited to four potatoes at the store today (haha), I did score two bottles of hand soap! So yes, life is very good! And I feel oddly eager to tackle whatever craziness might be ahead.  Early this morning, unexpectedly, a woman in my ward dropped a large pack of toilet paper (and a package of cookies) off on our doorstep. (Toilet paper she had to wait in line for! You can only get one pack -- by waiting in line! And she waited in line and gave it to us!) We are fine. And I could’ve waited in line once we needed it badly enough. But we do have eleven people living here. We go through that stuff pretty darn quickly. And, small as it was, it made me cry that, during a time of anxiousness, this woman would be thinking not of herself, but of me and my home full of people and of some way she might do some kind thing for us. I know. It's toilet paper. But it felt so much bigger because … it was just so nice! And this is what I want hard times and trials to do for me and for my kids — not turn us inward in fear and self preservation. But outward! In a desire to lighten the loads of others and encourage their hearts!

Anyway, a few last things: