Wednesday, October 18, 2017

I’ve Missed Writing . . . and a little bit of etc.

Oh goodness how I’ve missed writing. I’d love to spend a portion of every day gathering words and trying out various combinations to see how I might best express some feeling or experience. Very often I find that in the writing of something I’m better able to make sense of and feel appreciation for it – all this living business . . . and all this thinking business. But, as it is, I am only able to choose a small smattering of unnecessary activities (partially due to the busyness of life . . . and partially due to my own accidental wasting of time that could be put to better use) and so I tend to rotate the activities that I give that extra time to. Unfortunately, when I’ve spent too much time away from writing and recording, I find myself confronting such a mental room-full of unorganized material that I can hardly make heads or tails of it -- can hardly combine it in any meaningful way. I can’t sift or organize it all properly into keep and throw away piles and so I just . . . nervously open the door to the whole room . . . unsure if we will see the important bits or just the clutter.

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It’s nearly Halloween. Halloween seems to have somehow become the mark in the year when, and always with surprise, I realize that we are really into the routines and normalcy of our school year. Somehow we’ve found our new normal without ever even knowing how it happened exactly.

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I worry so much about figuring everything out, doing everything I need to do, and raising these kids right. And yet . . . it just goes on happening the tiniest bit each day. And I am always looking back in slight wonder over how it all happened despite me and my frettings. There are some regrets of course – missing things gone by, not having done my best with or appreciated fully certain other things. But, for the most part, it seems that most things turn out just fine, my measly efforts have been enough (or magnified beyond their own small level) and my worrying was unnecessary.

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4 comments:

Beautify Pacify said...

Will I sound wicked if I say that I'm relieved to see that you fret a lot over how you raise your children and what you may have missed or could have done better? Nah, it doesn't make me happy of course, but...it makes me realize I'm not alone! :) Same with the room-full of thoughts and things to tidy and express...But then comes the conclusion: it all turns up rather fine, and worry was mainly unnecessary. Boy, we do have similar lives/thought patterns!? ;)

Nancy said...

Yes we do! And I know what you mean — it’s comfirtung to know others have our same anxieties, etc even if we don’t WISH those worries on them!

But, as you said, most things seem to work themselves out. I love to look at my mom’s life. She’s 80 now. I know she worried often if she was doing everything right for us and felt overwhelmed trying to balance everything. But looking back it is do easy to see that she did accomplish all the most important things — even if she couldn’t see it in the moment — simply by trying and living through each day.

Marilyn said...

Oh, it is so GREAT to come to your blog and have so many posts to catch up on! Like Christmas! :) I'm always so glad when you've written something. Cluttered room or not! :)

I so admire your Halloweeny harvesty Fall decorations. Every year I do. And every year I think we ought to do something more, and every year we...don't. We did buy pumpkins to carve. Today. Which we can then enjoy for...one day. Oh, well.

Next: Daisy's hair. Can we ever say enough about it? No, we cannot.

And that's an interesting idea to see Halloween time as a landmark in "getting back to routine." I can see that for us too (some years---not this one!). It's the time you stop thinking about summer and how it's over, and instead looking ahead to all the things coming up. It really does generally work out, doesn't it? In spite of all our worries. The cycles of seasons are nice for that reason. You start to see patterns, and it's reassuring.

Nancy said...

Ah well. I do like a few harvesty bits of décor. We only have one little box so it doesn't feel like a job (like Christmas decorating does). BUT, perhaps it's best you don't begin with it. Now that Halloween is OVER, I am just looking at them as clutter I need to take down!

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