Saturday, March 25, 2017

Saturday Morning and Things Left Undone

I’m lying on the couch, wishing for a little more sleep (even if it’s just half sleep) but Mette keeps climbing up next to and on me. She’s repeating, “Hi mama! Hi mama!” over and over until I respond.

“Hi babe.”

She smiles and “hi babe”s back while she shoves bits of cereal in my mouth (undeterred by my pursed and unwilling lips), points her little fingers under my glasses and says, “eyes, eyes” and over my glasses, “eyebrows, eyebrows”. My face is poked further with “nose”, “mouth”, and then it’s back to the eyes again.

I’m so tired. When Hans woke at 2:00 am I brought him in bed next to me where he squirmed and grunted and remained ill content (unless nursing) through the remaining hours of the night. I managed to pull myself slowly away from Hans (tucking a blanket snuggly into my place to make up for my absence) just in time to retrieve early-morning Mette from her crib (where she could be heard – over the monitor – crying and hollering to be rescued). Mike offered to get up, but he’s been waking early with our older school kids ever since Hans’s arrival two plus months ago, and he’s currently been stuffed up and headachey for what seems like weeks, so I insisted he stay in bed.

Photo Mar 11, 4 58 47 AM

Last night Mike found me feeding Hans in our front room – somewhat removed from the yelling of small voices and mess of a dinner not yet cleaned up -- and came to sit by me.

“What’s wrong,” he said. “You look sad.”

I began to cry – tears over the overwhelming and constant undoneness of everything -- the lawn full of enormous amounts of weed-filled landscaping needing a serious spring cleaning, windows needing washed, kids needing pushed and instructed in various tasks and chores, cupboards needing cleaned out, laundry needing put away, homework and school assignments needing worked on with Jesse, and a thousand other things that were beyond the already demanding scope of “take care of a newborn, a one year old, a two year old, and . . . six other kids, make dinner, run errands, and keep the house to some level of basic tidiness”.

Photo Mar 20, 9 28 27 AMPhoto Mar 20, 2 55 57 AM

“I don’t know,” I sniffled to Mike. “I mean, I know Heavenly Father doesn’t expect me to somehow magically be able to do everything, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to properly see or feel about all of the constant stuff we can’t accomplish that does need done.” I paused and questioned, “Are there people who just have everything taken care of?”

“Well,” Mike admitted, “probably so.” He mentioned an acquaintance of his. “He’s married and they have no kids. I’m sure he comes home to a clean house every day. And they go out to eat and to a movie. And they work out together.” He paused. I waited for some insight. Some truth about significance and purpose in our path. Then he said with a shrug, “They seem pretty happy.”

And then we both began to laugh. I hugged him. And through my tears, laughed some more. It wasn’t funny. But it was just so . . . unhelpful – this acknowledgement that . . . yes, it could be much easier -- that it felt funny. I think both of us knew there was some bigger meaning, some correct view in all the chaos of our current lives, but finding it felt . . . too tiring just then. And laughing was easier.

Photo Mar 20, 6 41 16 PM

“More than once he has made us cheerful as well as strong.” – Henry B. Eyring 

Photo Mar 23, 2 10 46 AM

6 comments:

Beautify Pacify said...

Oh dear Nancy, it only seems fitting that you are exhausted or overwehelmed at some points. You just chose such a beautiful path, but one that isn't easy.
Your workload is so huge...I have felt (and often feel) the same, and see, I have less kiddos to take care of! I know the surge of helplessness or sadness that can grab you at the thought/sight of all that's to be done.
But as you often point out, there is a bigger plan. Yes, some people may have an easier life. A cooler one? A life that is more this or that? But none can have a more beautiful life as yours, sweetheart!
Just take a deep breath, hug all your beloved ones, and rely on the next moment of rest that will soon come (and on the knowledge, deep down,that the life you have is a treasure)! It sure will be ok, and when you come to think of it, all of these things that need be done are not all that important, are they?
Recently by the way, my motto has been 'just do the next right thing' ;)
Lots of love!!

Kara said...

Yes.

Nancy said...

Oh Val! I love you! This was the most beautiful comment. It made me cry. It felt like sitting on a peaceful back patio with a dear friend -- hugging me, encouraging me, understanding me, and making me feel rejuvenated and sure of my path again. Thank you so much. And you are right. It really is just a surge of helplessness, but always rest and perspective come as well. I love your motto and will try to remember it next time I feel this way. Let go of EVERYTHING that needs done and just do whatever the next thing is. Thank you so much Val. I'm
So blessed to have ever found you.

Linn said...

Oh dear friend, you always bring me to tears with your writing. But this one has me sobbing.

With three less children than you, it feels ridiculous to be overwhelmed, but I am so beyond that. It has been a hard few weeks (for many huge and small reasons) and I'm just so tried and want so much to just not feel like I am always behind on everything. Thank you for your honesty and your goodness.

I stand behind my earlier statement of how proud the Lord must be of you for following HIS path, when it is the harder one to be sure. Knowing how many days you would have that would feel like too much to carry, I can just see His tears for you. Both because of how difficult it is for you and how much He appreciates that you would choose it anyway.

Prayers for you my friend. You are sure in my heart and my thoughts.

Nancy said...

Oh thank you so much Linn. For your uplifting words and for relating (And I laughed at the "I know I shouldn't be overwhelmed what with my puny amount of kids . . . just SIX." Hahah. Yes. Clearly that small amount should be a cinch.) But, in truth, it comforted me to hear of your own similar feelings of just wanting to not feel so behind all the time. You always strike me as pulling everything off so well that, while I am sad to hear the past few weeks have been rough, at least I know I'm in good company; and if even Linn feels like she can't accomplish it all then maybe it isn't an indicator that I'm doing terribly at this. Love to you and I hope these upcoming weeks go beautifully!

Marilyn said...

Hahahahahaha. Oh, Nancy, this made me laugh. And cry. Things are just so hard sometimes. And we can't help but see they wouldn't HAVE to be! That coworker with his clean house and his movie nights seems perfectly happy after all! Hahaha. Oh dear. I know everyone has their sorrows and their difficulties, I know it. But sometimes remembering it is hard. Along with everything else.

I love you. Wishing for some magic something (elves?) that could just make all those undone things...done!

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