It was in Georgia – late at nights or very early in the mornings (when I was quiet and still) that I first began to feel his little kicks. I love that, at the beginning, if you are lucky enough to feel them at all, it will only be at a time when you are hushed and free from the daily motion and busyness that might distract you from the awe of it or allow you to somehow overlook its miraculousness. I never can imagine it once I’m no longer pregnant, and I’m always wide-eyed and amazed when I am first certain it’s what I’m feeling with a new pregnancy. I don’t know that I ever fully grasp that a new soul is truly on their way before that point.
I feel like I am constantly trying to grasp something about this little boy. Anything really. Just more. I feel those little kicks (I’m even feeling them now, in all their growing strength, as I sit here typing about him) and I want to have concrete information to think on. I use the word “him” and it feels so specific. I know it isn’t just . . . a boy in some generic way. It’s, . . . well, . . . it’s HIM. And I want so much to spend time thinking about him and pondering on our relationship and remembering. Goodness, I want to remember so desperately. And I want to know what’s ahead. Not just who he was, but who he’ll be. But, . . . I’m left with so little information. So little to really think about. I have the few miraculous glimpses that lead me to this point –– and truly, they are. I know that Mike and I have been connected to this spirit since long before coming here. I know that, for some reason, it matters that his life is intertwined with ours; that part of his plan – and our plan – included him here with us and his siblings -- experiencing whatever that will make possible for each of us. But I don’t know exactly why. And I want to so much. I feel certain things. Sense them? I feel a strong love for him that feels . . . like it is being uncovered rather than just developing. And yet, it is developing too. It is growing stronger, and I think partly that’s because I feel teary gratitude to him. I can’t explain this really. Only I have this strong impression of . . . loyalty. Is that what it is? There aren’t right words for some of these things, but something like that. Loyalty and certainty. Faith. I feel like . . . he hasn’t doubted or questioned or given up on me and Mike keeping our promises. That he has been close and determined even when I was unsure and crying and thinking I couldn’t possibly have any more babies. I’ve felt him close to me several times this past two years and I always feel strength and patience from him. But there is not a lot more. And it is hard to be patient for an entire life to play out before knowing it all! And this pregnancy is so tied up with the pregnancies and births of Summer and Mette that all three of them are a blur and even difficult to separate at times – just as I’m sure their newborn phases will be in a few years time. It’s all a little overwhelming – wanting to know and have so much more, yet having trouble even clearly keeping track of what I do have!
But, I will just try to still myself. There are lots of important things to experience ahead. Some of them will be hard and some amazing, but I suppose I can’t just have them unless I am willing to . . . live them first.
In the meantime, a little living and gathering experiences and knowledge continues to be going on already!