I've been listening, over and over . . . and over to songs that . . . what is it that they do? They . . . I don't know . . . they keep me in a constant flux between joy and sorrow. No. Not sorrow. That's not right. But, they do make me feel like I have tendon-like chords running up and down all along the full length of my rib cage – like some tight, thick harp strings – and that someone is reaching in, grabbing onto them and pulling with all of their might.
It would have sounded prettier, perhaps, to have just relied on the already-safely-tested metaphor of “heart strings”, but it feels like this straining runs across my entire chest . . . and my heart, biologically speaking, wasn't quite big enough to explain properly how much pulling seems to be going on inside of me – how much of me is being pulled.
I’m sure plenty of it is caused by the way the music rises and falls, the way it swells, whispers, or suddenly grows loud. And, I know nostalgia has more than it’s fair sway in what is going on here.
But listening to these songs seems to fill me with some longing that I don’t have the words for; and I find myself more keenly aware of the contrast between beauty and goodness and light; . . . and this fallen, tangled and messy world.
I’m so glad it’s here: so glad there are glorious things, and innocent and pure things here. . . . But I feel somehow pained that they must exist amidst difficulty and darkness. It is that same feeling I’ve often had before that I can only really describe as “homesickness”. I love the complete familiarity of the beautiful here – in songs, and words, . . . and people. But . . . oh how I want to keep the darkness far far separate from ever touching those things.
Still. As I said, I love that those spots of perfect brightness do exist – do shine out their brightness amidst all the struggle of mortality. I feel myself gathering those things into my soul – holding them fiercely – wanting to keep, and remember, and stop anything from dimming.
(Speaking of beautiful: the fact that this song has showed up on my Facebook feed roughly one-hundred-billion times the past few days, has done nothing to overdo it’s loveliness for me. It’s so pretty. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELjgFKACcdQ – When you listen to it, do you feel a little bit of what I have so falteringly tried to get down here?)