Tuesday, March 12, 2013


I was talking with my sister on the phone the other day when she said something about being content – something about life being pretty great right now.

“Shhhhh!!” I cried – practically reaching my hand through the phone to cover her mouth, looking around nervously as I did so in case anyone might have overheard.

Then we laughed as I admitted my terrible fear that – emit so much as a tiny sigh of contentment, an offhanded mention of ease; and the fierce, dark wind of trial and difficulty will whip its blustery head about and come, train like -- whistles blowing and nostrils flaring -- furious and straight at you. (Though I suppose “flaring nostrils” aren’t really train-like. Bull like?)

“Maybe you have more trials than you think,” she offered, trying to calm me. “Some people seem to focus on their problems so much that it seems like their lives are full of misery. Maybe you are having trials, but just focusing on the positive things in life. I mean, you have six small kids to take care of, a busy church calling, a husband who is gone most of the time . . .”

“Oh,” I moaned, waving my hand dismissively, knowing there was no fooling anybody. “Heavenly Father knows I’m fine with all of that.”

And I am. Life is lovely. I love my full and wild home. I sometimes snap at my kids. I sometimes feel very stressed. I am, more often than I care to admit, slightly grumpy.

But I have friends who are dealing with such miserable and difficult things – things they are handling with strength and grace and unbelievable faith (along with inevitable moments of screams, fist pounding and tears). And, because the very nature of their trials is so private, they are doing all of this without the pats on the back, the praise, encouragement, and cheering support they deserve.

It feels unfair to have everything so bright just now. It is unfair. Life is for learning. And growing. And . . . testing. It makes me feel almost nervous, and definitely guilty. My home. My husband. My kids. My life. So happy.

Still, I know Heavenly Father appreciates gratitude. I know it pleases Him for me to go through life recognizing all this goodness – being extremely grateful for it. Somehow living with an attitude of, “just wait, you’ll get what misery’s coming for you” doesn’t seem quite right.

I forget that life isn’t just for the character defining moments of near-drowning. Life is also . . . sometimes . . . simply for enjoying.

Isn’t it?

In case I’m wrong, and if anyone should ask you, or, you know, be listening at they key hole, my life is really hard and miserable right now. Really miserable. IMG_4749_edited-1IMG_3606_edited-2IMG_4795_edited-1IMG_4773_edited-2IMG_4835_edited-1IMG_3723_edited-1IMG_4769_edited-1IMG_4777_edited-1IMG_4853_edited-1IMG_4883_edited-1IMG_4884_edited-1

And, from the cell phone:
2013-03-08 21.35.1720130307_171120_020130306_184758_020130305_183933_020130307_173239_0DSC_0015_020130307_19200620130307_201403_020130312_14205020130309_193312DSC_0030_0DSC_0033_0


Jaymerz said...

HAHA, I feel this way so often "don't start thinking things are going great because that is just asking for trouble". But it is true, we need to be grateful, and we need to be positive about our trials, and be more understanding to those around us because sometimes they seem fine but who knows what they are really dealing with.

Perla said...

Oh my dear sister! You are so clever and witty and insightful. Men are that they might have joy. And a God hath not given us the spirit of fear. Where much is given much is expected...So, I am so happy that you are feeling content in your life. Be happy! You are working hard. You're a wonderful steward over what you've been given. You also mourn with and comfort those who need it. No need to fear the future nor that you have an "all is well in zion" attitude because you're awesome and I don't think its in your character to ever not care about progressing. I love you!

Nancy said...

Jamie, glad to know I'm not the only one!

And Shan, thanks for that perfect comment/reminder/bit of hopeful wisdom. That was just what I needed to hear!

Andrea said...

I totally have the same fear--that if I drop any hint at all about how happy I am with my life, I'll completely jinx it, and everything will go flying out the window. I'm working on trying to just enjoy life more, but it's a process. :)

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