I still have a proper post about my dad’s death just sitting inside of me. Scrambled and unwritten, but asking to be written. My own inner self I suppose – afraid of forgetting. Afraid of not ever fully processing or making sense of it all. And that is one of the things that has worried me – perhaps unnecessarily: that there has been no real time to truly sit and mourn and turn everything over in my mind until I’ve seen every angle, fully swum through each emotion and allowed the situation to become . . . learned from and properly understood. Instead I go about thinking all is fine and then weeping over various nonsense things. (One morning found me literally curled up in a ball – sobbing to Mike that I can never get out and run regularly. Haha. I like to think I’m too self aware for silly things like displaced emotions, but . . . I’m proving myself otherwise.)
At the same time, maybe coping and learning also occurs simply by . . . moving along through life’s demands and routines and joys; taking care of kids, folding piles of laundry, carrying on with adventures, trusting that the proper insights and growth will find ways to sneak into life’s demands. I don’t know this, really. I just hope.
In any case, as I mentioned in the last post, there has hardly been time for five minutes of thinking! For good or ill, life has been a whirlwind of activity since my dad’s passing.
First off was a reunion up at Bear Lake with Mike’s family.
This year was extra wild for me. Two babies needing naps and whose tantruming demands begged early bedtimes meant I snuck back to our own cabin fairly regularly so that Mike and my older kids could more easily be a part of cousin activities.
While I was a bit hyper-aware (particularly after just having announced another baby coming) of how frazzled we must have seemed; and while I would have truly loved having been able to more easily enjoy conversation and time with Mike’s siblings, their spouses and kids (I truly did get incredibly lucky in the in-law department! It hardly seems fair after already having come to such an amazing family of my own!); I was quite content to be at our own little cabin with things a little more quiet and calm there than they usually are.
And, particularly after having abandoned my little family throughout much of the month prior, it gave me great happiness to have them enjoying themselves so much. I liked Mike being able to stay late at the bigger lodge to visit with his siblings. I liked my kids getting to spend full days playing and laughing with cousins. And they had so much fun! Beyond the usual – good food, pool games (as in with pool table and pool balls), movies, talent shows, crafts, etc. – Mike rented a wave runner one day, and, another day, Mike’s older brother paid for a lot of the older cousins (Abe and Daisy included) to try some hydro-flight adventure where they got to be pulled behind a boat while having water shoot them up into the air from some magical boots they were wearing. They had the best time!
Lots of memories for all of us this summer!