For A Wise Purpose

And I do this for a wise purpose; for thus it whispereth me, according to the workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in me. And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, he worketh in me to do according to his will.

I’ve read those words a million times. And anyone very familiar with scripture and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints likely recognizes those words as the ones written by the Nephite prophet Mormon who, as he abridged the records to compile The Book of Mormon, felt compelled, for reasons he didn’t understand, to include a group of small writings he’d originally missed.

He didn’t know why he was doing it. He didn’t know what it meant. Or when he might know. Or why he felt so strongly that it mattered.

And it wasn’t until several thousand years after he had died that the purpose became clear.

I love that scripture. I love the reminder that God is aware of our decisions and mistakes and circumstances long before they are even a possibility in any mortal eyes. I love that nothing catches him by surprise, and that He prepares ways for everything to work towards his purposes for us.

But I’ve still mostly thought of Mormon, Joseph, Martin, and the lost 116 pages whenever I’ve read it.

Only, . . . when I read it the other day, the words seemed to light up and rise out of the page. I read them. And re-read them. And highlighted them. And underlined them. And saved a screenshot on my phone of them.

Because suddenly, they were mine. In relation to so many things, but mostly, in relation to having this tenth baby. There are so many things I have wondered. I have had so many questions. I have prayed so much to understand the meaning of the unmistakable impression to bring this child here despite all my prior certainties that my family was finally complete.

I have had some small answers. And I have clutched those tightly to my heart. But mostly, I have simply known that I made this choice as Mormon did: “for thus it whispereth me, according to the workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in me.”

I made it despite a mountain of fears and worries and despite all my own logic because I felt utterly impressed that God had showed me a glimpse of something eternal about myself and my core as a creator and because I couldn’t deny that somehow, miraculously, He had actually truly spoken to me. (I am always shocked that such a thing can occur. And that it ever really does! It’s miraculous. And impossible. And yet . . . there it is! Happening!)

“And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, he worketh in me to do according to his will.”

And this is what I feel sure of: That bringing this baby here -- at this time; to my family -- has to do with things not just here and now, but things I can’t possibly comprehend yet, but that the Lord sees clearly that involve generations far into the future. That it has to do with things that will be of significance millennia after this small moment of having simply followed an impression.

And, while none of that erases the practical day-to-day difficulty that this will mean: the continuing lack of sleep, the dealing with babies throwing up in the night, toddlers melting in tantrums, juggling the new phases and needs of children stretching towards adulthood (and juggling it with babies in tow), mess that can never be kept on top of, and tears because sometimes it is utterly exhausting and there is so much to do, and so many people I might let down, and because my view is so often so confined to the muddledness of ordinary moments; it is still a powerful truth. And knowing it anchors me.

And, to end, a few words that I recorded earlier about what I’ve been currently experiencing with this pregnancy:

Three days ago I began having those quiet little moments late at night (when all the house is hushed and I am very very still) of eyes widening over the certainty of having just felt unmistakable small kicks coming from inside me. They’re far too gentle for anyone else to feel yet. Just this tiny little message from baby: “I am really here. I am really coming.” Followed by an inward, awed acknowledgment from me. It makes the reality of this soul’s existence feel like a magnificent, binding secret that, for the shortest space of eternity, belongs to just the two of us.